The Spice and Soul of Sisterhood

“That girl is the problem!”

“It is the wife!”

“She must be a bad mother!”

“Is this one a good woman?”

“I can never do that as a woman!”

Sound familiar? Yes! Perhaps you can still feel the after taste of some of those words or statements similar to these ones on your tongue? Or maybe you’ve overheard them in conversations, participated with tacit nods of approvals or eagerly submitted stories of your own of ‘such’ women? Yet, the first question we must ask ourselves is; who is ‘this girl’ or ‘that woman’? Who is that female we are quick to criticize or judge for choices in lives we see from afar or whose stories we hear from only one side; yours and every other person’s sides but theirs?

It is normal to pass judgements on things and people, to have opinions about situations and events based on our own expectations and or circumstances; indeed it is in our human nature to do so. We often make judgements with prejudiced lens and projections from some of our own experiences and life issues; at times without even being aware of it. However, if we take a moment to think about it and try to be more aware of ‘that woman’ in the stories, we would realize a few things that might make us rethink our judgements. As a result, we might not be in such a hurry to sentence ‘her’ as judge and jury, without even knowing more of ‘her’ story beyond first impressions, and fourth or fifth account of ‘the woman’ and her supposed choices.

The first thing we must realize is that, we do not have complete view of everything or of every person’s story. We don’t have the ability of sight from every angle, nor do we have the power to see into a person past, present and or future, so how can we decide the past, present and future of any person? We are always going to have partial view of anything or person, and so should we not be considerate and careful when we hand out, hand down our judgements? Our vantage position about any person is limited, and so can be inaccurate, sometimes unfair, unkind and at times harmful when it is acted upon or informs some of our choices for or against them.

We must know and constantly remind ourselves that only Allah is Al-Baseer; The All-Seeing, The All-Perceiving, The All-Comprehending, and only He; ‘God sees all that is in the hearts of His servants’ – Al ‘Imran 3:15. Only Allah Sees what is apparent and what is hidden, what was, what is, what will be. Only Allah Has the Power to Judge the one being judged and the one judging.

When two people look at the proverbial glass filled half way with water, they might make two different meanings from what they see even though they are looking at the same thing. One person sees the glass half empty and the other sees the same glass half full. So, who is right? who is wrong? You might know why you choose to see the glass the way you do, but do you know the story behind the other person perception and or choice? You might still not agree with them, but if you knew some more of their story, if you knew the story of the glass or how the water got to be half way in the glass, you might not be so quick to judge and you might be kinder with your judgement when you do. You might choose to focus on your own perception and reasons for your choice and or you might simply learn from theirs.

‘Walk a mile in my shoes’ a phrase and well-known metaphor that’s used to capture some of the fundamental essence and meaning of the concept of Empathy. What is it like to walk in someone’s shoes? How does it feel to fit your feet into another’s shoes? To walk the same paths they walked? To experience some of what it was like to be in their world? What it might be like to be them? What it feels like to be them even if it’s just for a ‘mile’ on their journey in life?

Empathy and compassion are two key values in human nature, whereby empathy enables one to understand, relate to, feel another’s thoughts, emotions and experiences, and compassion brings up in one, wishes for alleviation of another’s difficulty or pain. People deepen, develop, become dysfunctional with or devoid of these values as effects and results of nature and or nurture.

As a woman, who better than another woman would know what it’s like to walk in another woman’s shoes? A Yoruba proverb saying goes; “When the axe entered the forest, the trees said; ‘look, the handle is one of us’”

When you talk about ‘this wife’ or ‘that mother’, ‘this daughter’ or ‘that sister’, ‘this girl’ or ‘that woman’ you might as well be talking about yourself in some way or the other. You might be talking about yourself at different stages or situations through life.

As women, we have different names, diverse lives, live in different corners, countries and continents of the world. Yet we can call upon our common realities, pull together our strands of differences to make a beautiful weave of our collective womanhood and our worlds.

As women, we can compete in healthy ways, coexist in diversity, cooperate in the community, complement each other with our different and individual capacities and competencies, contribute in coins and compassion, collaborate with one another to empower one another, cheer for and be champions for ‘Womanity’; one for all and all for one.

After all, if we are half of the human race as the numbers claim, we are the half of humanity from which life emanates and the half endowed by Allah with hope for humanity nurtured with our heads, heart and hands.

This article has been published in FOMWAN magazine